So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
