I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
