Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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