if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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