I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
