Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
