both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
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I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
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Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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