Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
where am i from again
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
