i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
