I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
