Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
