i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
