I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
