i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
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