i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
