My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Can't talk, ducks in the car
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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