Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
