I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
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she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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