At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
The beers last night were like the tears from god
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
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