I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
