I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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