Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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