so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
