I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
