Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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