You think ghandi was good in the sack? cuz i sure do.
I'm not gay.
Soooo you want ghandi? is that what your telling me?
If ghandi gives good head...I'm in
Its fine.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I think my moral compass just broke
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
