Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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