I met the friendliest cop last night
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
