So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
