If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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