How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
