i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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