Who did Billy Mays play for?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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