i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
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