So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
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He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
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I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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