I want to walk on stilts...naked
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
