Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We need to get me chipped asap
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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