The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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