I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I did not marry a roomba.
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