i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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