i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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