There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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