listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
