My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
