that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
