my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
