Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
