ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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