So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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