youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
