woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Randomize
