If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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