he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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