I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
