My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
