oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
