yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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